night ramblings

i had a really bad day today, feeling low and big. Sat most of the day on the couch watching rockstar:inxs, my legs are simply too tired, nothing fits me for the coming summer, it was a very hot day today and i was in jeans. this sucks. beat myself up about that. was very defeated inside. watched an oprah episode about weight, felt really sad but then bouyant with knowledge and drive, just dont think it will be there tomorrow when faced with food and anger. i sat on the lounge crying and no one knew. screaming inside. but if you asked wouldnt know how to express anger and self dissapointment without pissing everyone off. and you have all heard it before. ate the chocolate in the fridge. it had to be me. pig.

you know when something is just so fucking big and in your face that you cant see it for the trees...well, little drops of karma or dogma or fatma are falling around me everywhere, big frigging blobs of knowledge that i should be using and swimming in instead of dodging and ignoring.

stop ignoring my bodies signs and take those little drops of good and do it. move. live. now.

welcome to my blog. perhaps this will become my friend, at the moment it seems like the enemy, i think because i am already scared shitless about laying myself bare and starting to delve into the inner crap that is me. i am hoping that this is a way to purge and be gone with the thoughts that invade my mind and set them free.